Here’s some collection of jokes, diet jokes or Fenphedra jokes if you will that you can probably use in one of those boring christmas party messages you’re attending now. (or you’re probably just sitting at home watching redtube vidoes)

After my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery.

While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake.

When it was over, my husband turned to me. “Did you ever notice,” he asked, “that they never advertise celery on TV?”
—

Q: Why did the dumb man snort Nutri-sweet?
A: He thought it was diet coke.

—

I’m not fat…

… I’m just short for my weight.

—

Q: Why did the dumb man snort Nutri-sweet?
A: He thought it was diet coke.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, “There’s some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”